song against sex


<_<
December 15, 2010, 5:36 am
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I feel awkward tonight for being stubborn with my birds and for having such an issue to be stubborn about in the first place.

I’m sorry, birds, I love you. You don’t even know how much.



Jumping on the gender bandwagon, I guess <_<
December 14, 2010, 4:28 am
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/PEER PRESSURE.

I don’t have an exciting gender story or any firm conclusions or really even any steps in that direction. I suppose I’m sort of..apathetic? Earlier this year, when I made a new AVEN account, I’ll admit there was some Angst going on in this vein:

I wish I belonged in the Gender forum.
But I’m not trans.
So I don’t.
I WISH I HAD A REASON TO FEEL THIS WAY.

It eventually clicked that the fact that I was kind of depressed about my lack of gender issues was pretty much an indicator of gender issues. I still don’t consider myself trans; I’ve considered all kinds of labels–androgynous, agendered, neutrois, demigirl, etc.–and none of them feel like they really fit me. AND SO I’M BECOMING APATHETIC. I sometimes describe myself as semi-androgynous; that’s about as close as I can get right now to an accurate definition.

The end.



BEST EVAR
December 1, 2010, 3:21 am
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Read my friend Oliver’s harrowing true-to-life tale of the adventures that befell him as he strove to mail his yadaletters.

Here’s an exerpt:

I had to sprout wings, which is a painful process, and fly across the border. There were gunmen shooting at me and there were bombs being shot at me. I ended up taking a bullet in the wing and one in the leg. No bombs managed to hit me. I limped through a deep, dark forest filled with dangerous animals and waded through a river swimming with piranhas. I got chewed up but luckily I taste very bitter so the damage was minimal.

So, I’m now I’m soaking wet with water and blood. I’ve got a hole in my wing and leg. I’ve been bitten by piranhas. You’d think it couldn’t get any worse, right? Well, for some unfathomable reason there are mountains across the river. Who knew they could fit all this in a little country town? Anyways, this mountain is frickin’ huge. There are no paths so I have to stumble around trying to find my way. It’s getting dark now. Sadly, I’m unable to fly anymore. My wings are beyond repair.

I hobble a little ways up the mountain and stop. Is- is that a mountain lion? I think to myself. Well, it looks like one. So I stay still and hope it’ll go away. I can’t run anywhere as I’m surrounded by trees and have a hole in my leg. I just stand there as it comes closer and closer. Its yellow eyes stare at me hungrily and then it attacks. My blood is too bitter for even the mountain lion, though. After a few nibbles and one big bite, it leaves me alone.
I begin my trek across the mountain. It’s very slow going and it’s getting dark. I’m so cold. The blood won’t stop flowing so I rip up my jacket and tie up my wounds. I’m feeling a little light headed by now but I can’t rest. I have letters to send!

READ THE REST. It’s dedicated to me!



Stealing this from Oliver because it’s relevant
December 1, 2010, 2:09 am
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<_<



On how it sucks to feel trapped in your own body, especially when even your friends don’t understand.
November 15, 2010, 2:21 am
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Here’s an excerpt of a chat with a friend this evening. (We were both feeling angsty and explaining why.)

R: why angsty?
Me: mainly because some of my friends have been posting before/after photos of taking T. :|
R: T?
Me: er, hormones.
R: testosterone?
Me: er, yes.
R:
R: as in recreationally?
R: or for sex change?
Me: noooooooo.
Me: friends who are going to transition or are thinking about it.
R: ah
Me: like, such as.

R: wow.
R: why are your transitioning friends causing you angst?
Me: because i have always wanted boy hips.
R: wanting male hips is not a solid reason to take T
R: it can cause problems with things
R: and also will likely amplify your sex drive times a billion
Me: i wasn’t asking for advice, and i’m not taking T, and i don’t WANT to take T, and i’m not trans but i do experience dysphoria. also, i fucking HAVE no sex drive.
R: sorry, i’m not meaning to be all like forewarning ish or anything
R: i just care, ykno?
R: and one of the side effects of T is increase/development of sex drive, as one of the primary causes of sex drive is testosterone levels.
Me: i sometimes think that bodies suck.

I can’t think about this too long or I’ll get upset, and there are no yadas here to take me out drinking.



Why do /all/ of my gender issues revolve around what’s in my bra?!
November 13, 2010, 3:03 am
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[Or at least, I’d estimate, 90% of them.]

Tonight I went glow bowling with my family and a huge horde of teenagers in skate clothes and neon sunglasses (aka my youngest brother’s birthday party).  I loooooooooooooooove blacklight. I want it in my future!house. In the living room. And I want crazy skating rink carpet in there. BUT I DIGRESS.

The fun thing about glow bowling, of course, is all the glowing going on. My white “Turn off your TV and read” button was glowing like a lighthouse. I LOVE IT. A few minutes after arriving, I notice you can kind of see my makeshift binder glowing through my blue shirt. Eh, who cares? Not meeee. I was there to have fun, and have fun I did. I was especially bad at bowling tonight, due to some recent wrist issues (not to say that I’m any good when my wrists are healthy). I laughed a lot and we high-fived each other every time one of us got a strike.

About halfway through the night, I turned around to find a girl, one of the party guests, standing by me, leaning in with her face literally two inches away from mine. (Personal space, I MISSED YOU SO MUCH.) She laughed at my obvious discomfort and then began her speech. “Next time you go glow bowling, don’t wear a white sports bra,” she said. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to embarrass you; I just think it’s hilarious.” (Commence hysterical giggling.)

What I wanted to say is quite different from what I actually said. I considered making a snappy remark, perhaps asking her why she wasn’t confronting another guest three feet away whose bra was also glowing through her shirt, or inquiring as to why sports bras are apparently so much funnier than..regular bras (seriously, what are they called), or sweetly informing her that when she turned around, I could see her bra through two shirts. I wanted to point out that my sister’s pink shirt was glowing brighter than my white bra, so good luck with that. I wanted to ask her why she felt like it was her place, as a sixteen-year-old, to tell me (an adult, a casual acquaintance, a chauffeur to and from bowling, and one of her hosts for the night) what I can and can’t wear. I wanted to tell her how many fucks I didn’t give, and I wanted to tell her that it’s a makeshift binder, not a sports bra, and that it was none of her business in the first place.

Instead, I just said that I didn’t know what she was talking about; I wasn’t embarrassed in the least, and I plain old didn’t care. At least I didn’t cause a scene?



Profile: Danielle Ate the Sandwich
October 22, 2010, 11:20 pm
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Danielle Ate the Sandwich is a young singer/songwriter “gifted with an ethereal voice and the talent for writing honest observations of an ordinary world. Her melancholy and often times vulnerable songs are nicely contrasted by her humorous and engaging stage presence. Dubbed ‘Joni Mitchell meets Sarah Silverman,’ Danielle tours nationally, has licensed songs to various tv shows and significantly understands and works new media on a generational level. Denver’s Westword described Danielle as ‘cripplingly enchanting with lyrics telling the story of a generation coming of age in an age of uncertainty.’ And as the postings of 25,000 loyal subscribers to Danielle’s You Tube channel attest, she has rapidly developed an active fanbase who feel Danielle has something to say about what it means to be young in 2010.”

She sings the story of a trans friend:


(guitar version here)

She sings about gendered language:

She sings about a lot of things. Ecosystems, reincarnation, her life. And she covers a crapload of songs I have historically hated, and now (thanks, Danielle) adore.