song against sex


Note: The girl is not an amoeba.

A few weeks ago, I was walking down the hall at my college, eating a banana* and wearing a crown** I’d made a few days before. I swear I was minding my own business. Suddenly this voice behind me shouted, “Excuse me! Stop! You! Miss with the banana!” And since that was clearly me, I looked to see who was hollering at me. It was a guy I’d never seen before; he was talking like a robot and he said he wanted to buy some crowns from me for his little nieces. Okay. Lovely. He then proceeded to invite himself to hang out with me and ask me personal questions like, “So what’s your ideal man?” (!!!) And here was I, trying to figure out how to extricate myself from this situation gone awry while remaining polite and professional.

So when this fellow asked me out (yes–ten minutes after meeting me) and wondered aloud what my romantic fantasies were, I declined and dodged with a simple, “Oh, no, I’m sorry–I’m asexual, but thanks for asking.” He immediately responded with a smirk and a joke about me impregnating myself and splitting in two.

Sir, I have just one thing to say: Poor form. Like that’s going to make me want to go grab a coffee with you? I don’t even like coffee.

*A friend later pointed out that props, ESPECIALLY bananas, always intensify the awkwardness of any pick-up scene. Hadn’t even occurred to me, but oh my, was she ever right!

**Reversible and adjusts to any head size! One side has castles and rainbows and shooting stars; the other is a super iridescent purple. And no, it wasn’t my birthday, and no, I’m not three.

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12 Comments so far
Leave a comment

I have one question, and one question only; Where does one get such a crown???

Comment by Katherine!

From ME. I made it. :)

Comment by talialovesyou

WANT.

Comment by krossero

Well, dear, are you planning on having a BIRTHDAY THIS YEAR or not? HMMM?

Comment by talialovesyou

Weeeeeeell, just ask Facebook the answer to that question. Facebook knows all the answers.

Comment by krossero

That is so much nonsense. Facebook already HAD the answer to that question, and you went and contradicted it and said you don’t have birthdays, you have Mischief Nights.

Comment by talialovesyou

You have to admit that my way is more fun. Plus, no one needs to give anyone presents for their Mischief Night!

Comment by krossero

Oh, that is so absurd. The thing about Mischief Nights is that they don’t magically erase one’s birthdays, as much as one might wish them too. Gaah. It’s that damn birth certificate. If you could somehow make that disappear, things might be different. As things currently stand, however, you’re stacking up a Mischief Night present and a birthday crown, if you’ll admit to possessing a birthday, and the Mischief Night present most certainly does not require any measure of creativity, I assure you.

Comment by talialovesyou

They do too, is all I have to say.

Comment by krossero

[snooty]

Comment by talialovesyou

[sneety]

Comment by krossero

[snity]

Comment by talialovesyou




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