song against sex


Coming out is hard to do.
April 1, 2010, 4:33 am
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: ,

[/Neil Sedaka]

The first (okay, the only) time I told someone, in person, that I thought I might be asexual, she looked at me like I’d just fell through the ceiling from Mars. That was over two years ago.

The next time I spoke up, it was to what you would probably call my internet friends. I love them dearly. They love me dearly. They don’t feel like “internet friends” to me. We’ve known and loved each other for years. They were curious and incredulous (“what?! you don’t think sex is fun?!”), but they never made me feel invalidated or somehow ashamed of myself. I’ve never been sorry I told them.

Yesterday, asexuality came up in the conversation with a friend, and I identified myself as such. On Facebook chat, so at least I got to keep myself to myself as the discussion progressed…Initially, he said, “Have fun with that :) although, I’m not sure how you could XD kidding!” Moments later, when I lamented a missed encounter (so says Craigslist), I said I comforted myself with the probability that this missed-encounter fellow is a fan of sex anyway, therefore we’d be incompatible. The friend goes: “(sigh) that’s not a belief I’m fully in support of…”

Me: “specify.”

“I don’t believe in asexuality”

“but how can you not? i mean why is that hard to accept?”

“I dunno, it seems to go against God and nature, but I’m not one to judge”

“there are asexual animals even. there’s a whole species of ants with no males whatsoever; they reproduce by cloning. not many animals, granted, but not many people either. and i can tell you that it’s my personal nature. “miss awkward” at slumber parties, for sure.”

“But that’s a whole different genetic makeup designed to be asexual*, and there are a good amount of species like that, as well as those who can change gender when needed, but humans themselves are not designed for such
To put it bluntly, Tab A goes in Slot B”

“if people can accept that there are people with high levels of interest ranging to people with low levels of interest, i don’t see why it’s hard to accept that there can be people with none at all. it’s a bell curve for a reason.
and quite honestly, that grosses me out. i’m not kidding.”

“I’m not saying I can’t accept it!”

“haha you just said you don’t believe it!”

“You always attack when I defend both sides…I said I don’t believe IN it”

“i’m not attacking anyone!”

“you’re arguing with me, when I’m just defending/explaining both sides!”

“i don’t really see any ‘both sides’. i apologize, i’m really not being argumentative. mayhap it’s the translation through the internet? um..”

“I’m just making sure both sides get equal representation, I could honestly care less (shrug)”

“ummmm okay.”

=                =                =                =              =

So thank you, “friend,” for making me feel like crap last night. I appreciated it SO much. I don’t know why I even apologized to you, since I actually wasn’t arguing or trying to push some kind of “agenda” on you. I don’t see “two sides” to this “issue,” and actually the longer you went on, the more offended I became. Something I was born with is anti-God and against nature? Oh, but thank you for being SO slow to judge! Dodging my questions with personal attacks, how pleasant of you. But I think the worst thing you said was also the last: “I could honestly care less (shrug)”Umm, yeah, that was pretty obvious by the utterly insensitive (and quite frankly, RUDE) way you spoke to me. I suppose I could understand this a little more had we been talking about, say, homosexuality–something that doesn’t affect either one of us directly, with respect to our own orientations–I’m pretty certain our feelings on this matter as well are very different, but I can imagine this conversation in a context where you automatically assume that I agree with you that homosexuality is “wrong.” You become defensive when I don’t back you up, and then you shrug off the whole deal because hey, it’s nothing to you. And in a way, it would be nothing tome. Except, you know, how much I love humanity, and that includes the gay people. I’ve known plenty of people like this. I wouldn’t have been the least surprised, although I would have been disappointed in you. I just can’t believe you’d say something like this directly to the person in question.

So, thanks. I guess. In a Groucho Marx kind of way. It’s okay, I got the memo, don’t worry. I will definitely not attempt to share this important aspect of myself with any of my “church friends” for quite some time. Or really, a better way to say it would be: I’ll make sure to actively suppress this important aspect of myself, to purposely hide myself from my friends. Then I can feel even more isolated! Yay! I’ve had enough judgement to last me a while.

In other words, in case you haven’t got it by now: You suck. Regardless of your opinions, you suck at friendship.

*There are also animals–just random animals, you know, rats, sheep–who appear to be asexual. Certain individuals repeatedly shun sexual activity with fellow members of their species, hetero- OR homo-. Look it up.

Originally published September 22, 2009

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