oh my god i needed it this morning i love you.
look at all these people liking it and reblogging it who don’t even know who we are
I don’t know anything and I thought I did but I don’t and why why why do I have to be Jude AND Sue AND Anna all at the same time?
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: coming out, music, myself, sexual orientation
..I think I didn’t publish it because I was afraid it would be seen by the wrong people. This is from September ’10.
I JUST NOW figured out what this song means. After seven years.
XD And now I’m really excited, becaaaaause.
I used to identify with it because of the Earth Day reference.
Now I have another reason.
While I don’t identify as transgender, I’ve always felt more androgynous than either male or female. When puberty hit, it was like my whole life was ruined; coupled with misogyny from my family’s religious expression, the extreme discomfort caused by being trapped in my own body was a huge contributor to depression throughout my teens. I’ve recently begun identifying as yada, or transyada, partially as an acknowledgment that I’m not exactly cis, even though I don’t have everything figured out yet and I don’t think I fit in the usual understanding of trans experiences.
My first exposure as a youngster to binding (re: Mulan and flappers) left me insanely jealous of people who bound, but oddly it was ages before it occurred to me that I could do it myself. Binding is extremely liberating for me. At this point, I’d rather bind my whole life than undergo top surgery (although that could change)–it feels like reclaiming something that was stolen me.
I keep reading all these horror stories about injuries caused by ace bandages, but that’s all I have. I’m currently using ace bandages + sports bras, and while it gave me no problems at first, it’s been growing more painful. It would mean the world to me to not have to choose between a body in which I’m confident and feel like myself, and a body that’s undamaged.
That ^ is from back when I submitted my app to transcircle.org, before they posted that they were overwhelmed and understaffed and that the answer to everybody was No.
BUT I’M ORDERING THEM SOON, SO YAY~
Also, I’ve pretty much decided that someday when I have a ~Real Job~, I’d really like to figure out a way to help other kids in need of binders. I’ve not only experienced the frustration myself, but I’ve made so many friends with various gender identities, many of whom share similar dysphoria and other Issues, and I know there are others out there. These situations are too common, and I want to be part of the movement to turn that shit around and make the world a safe, welcoming place for people who are different.
I feel awkward tonight for being stubborn with my birds and for having such an issue to be stubborn about in the first place.
I’m sorry, birds, I love you. You don’t even know how much.
/PEER PRESSURE.
I don’t have an exciting gender story or any firm conclusions or really even any steps in that direction. I suppose I’m sort of..apathetic? Earlier this year, when I made a new AVEN account, I’ll admit there was some Angst going on in this vein:
I wish I belonged in the Gender forum.
But I’m not trans.
So I don’t.
I WISH I HAD A REASON TO FEEL THIS WAY.
It eventually clicked that the fact that I was kind of depressed about my lack of gender issues was pretty much an indicator of gender issues. I still don’t consider myself trans; I’ve considered all kinds of labels–androgynous, agendered, neutrois, demigirl, etc.–and none of them feel like they really fit me. AND SO I’M BECOMING APATHETIC. I sometimes describe myself as semi-androgynous; that’s about as close as I can get right now to an accurate definition.
The end.
Read my friend Oliver’s harrowing true-to-life tale of the adventures that befell him as he strove to mail his yadaletters.
Here’s an exerpt:
I had to sprout wings, which is a painful process, and fly across the border. There were gunmen shooting at me and there were bombs being shot at me. I ended up taking a bullet in the wing and one in the leg. No bombs managed to hit me. I limped through a deep, dark forest filled with dangerous animals and waded through a river swimming with piranhas. I got chewed up but luckily I taste very bitter so the damage was minimal.
So, I’m now I’m soaking wet with water and blood. I’ve got a hole in my wing and leg. I’ve been bitten by piranhas. You’d think it couldn’t get any worse, right? Well, for some unfathomable reason there are mountains across the river. Who knew they could fit all this in a little country town? Anyways, this mountain is frickin’ huge. There are no paths so I have to stumble around trying to find my way. It’s getting dark now. Sadly, I’m unable to fly anymore. My wings are beyond repair.
I hobble a little ways up the mountain and stop. Is- is that a mountain lion? I think to myself. Well, it looks like one. So I stay still and hope it’ll go away. I can’t run anywhere as I’m surrounded by trees and have a hole in my leg. I just stand there as it comes closer and closer. Its yellow eyes stare at me hungrily and then it attacks. My blood is too bitter for even the mountain lion, though. After a few nibbles and one big bite, it leaves me alone.
I begin my trek across the mountain. It’s very slow going and it’s getting dark. I’m so cold. The blood won’t stop flowing so I rip up my jacket and tie up my wounds. I’m feeling a little light headed by now but I can’t rest. I have letters to send!
READ THE REST. It’s dedicated to me!
